Am I REALLY in love, or am I not?

She confessed to her journal on one stormy night, after she’d watched a movie that revived feelings in her:

This is the first time I am expressing this to a person besides her. I am having so many thoughts about this experience that have changed my life, probably forever.

Few years ago, I fell in love. With a girl. I have lived the sweetest days because of her. I was very young and naive but she took my hand and guided me through this life, with all her love. I dare to say she was my best experience. I have had my best and happiest moments with her. After a while, we had to break up and we disappeared from each others lives for a long time. We reconnected later, but it isn’t the same. Things have changed.

What matters the most is what happened after this relationship. Now, I am more independent. And I have thoughts about my sexuality. Am I really into girls? Or was I just wasting time? I thought she was just someone who I liked wasting time with, and that I’m not really into girls. I had to convince myself that it’s for the best and being a lesbian is forbidden, only God knows what could happen if my family knew only about my thoughts regarding this matter. Therefore, I decided to give men a try. I failed. I terribly failed and didn’t want to even imagine being in a relationship with them.

After I had failed connecting with few guys, I realised that I am just not attracted to them. But, ironically, I am engaged to a man because according to my family’s traditions, a girl cannot live her life independently and needs a man.

However, after I settled in a very good job, a job that I’m interested in, I just never felt that I could count on a man. And the presence of my ex-girlfriend actually had taught how to be so strong and never depend on anyone else

To her, I am so grateful I had you in my life.


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